These quotes make me laugh or giggle every time I read them.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and
we don't know where the hell she is.
-- Ellen DeGeneres
Insecurity: You log in to read your e-mail, notice you have no new messages and refresh the
list again just to make sure.
-- Anon
Heck is where people go who don't believe in gosh.
-- Unknown
He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.
-– Unknown
You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 Rs,
only one begins with an R.
-- Dennis Miller
There are 350 varieties of shark, not counting loan and pool.
-- L. M. Boyd
Person 1: I have an eyelash in my my eyePerson 2: Better than a rock.
-- Unknown
Where's the "Any" key?
-- Homer Simpson
If we're not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
-- Anonymous
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio
dinners.
-- Johnny Carson
The cloning of humans is on most of the lists of things to worry about from Science, along with
behaviour control, genetic engineering, transplanted heads, computer poetry and the
unrestrained growth of plastic flowers.
-- Lewis Thomas
A dislexic agnostic insomniac lies awake at night wondering if there's a dog.
-- Anon
Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely.
-- Unknown
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
-- Joan Rivers
Toes - tiny instruments designed to find furniture legs in the dark.
-- Anon
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the "Titanic" who waved off the dessert cart.
-- Erma Louise Bombeck
My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the
boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.
-- Paula Poundstone
I saw a large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
-- Tommy Cooper
The town where I grew up has a zip code of E-I-E-I-O.
-- Martin Mull
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
-- Redd Foxx
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in
the world and those who don't.
-- Robert Benchley
What if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about?
-- Unknown
Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
-- Robert Byrne
Multi-tasking - Screwing everything up simultaneously.
-- Anon
Before you can win a game, you have to not lose it.
-- Chuck Noll
If you make every game a life and death proposition, you're going to have problems. For one
thing, you'll be dead a lot.
-- Dean Smith
There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was
cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago.
-- Lewis Grizzard
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.
-- Helen Hayes
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk
bed until I faint.
-- Erma Bombeck
If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-- Catherine
The point of quotations is that one can use another's words to be insulting.
-- Amanda Cross
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost
airline luggage.
-- Mark Russell
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
-- Anon
I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant,
asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the manmade sound never equaled the purity
of the sound achieved by the pig.
-- Alfred Hitchcock
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you.
-- Anon
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
-- Emo Phillips
The entire economy of the Western world is built on things that cause cancer.
-- From the 1985 movie Bliss
Too often, we loose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember when someone annoys you, it
takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes four muscles to extend your arm and
bitch-slap the mother fucker upside the head.
-- Unknown
Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is.
-- P. J. O'Rourke
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not
doing it.
-- Mary Wilson Little
What's a synonym for Thesaurus?
-- Anon
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
--- Anon
Veni, Vidi, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
--- Anon
Procrastinate later.
--- Anon
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because your man thinks so.
--- Anon
I'm going to memorize your name and throw my head away.
-- Oscar Levant
It is true that I was born in Iowa, but I can't speak for my twin sister.
--Abigail Van Buren
Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the
toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.
-- Joey Bishop
If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably
be Labor Day Weekend.
-- Doug Larson
A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't.
-- Unknown
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a
Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode
once a year, killing everyone inside.
-- Robert X. Cringely
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
-- Paul Beatty
I have the heart of a child. I keep it in a jar on my shelf.
-- Robert Bloch
If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
-- Dean Martin
Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of
ten people couldn't start a conversation.
-- Kin Hubbard
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the
pillow was gone.
-- Tommy Cooper
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
-- Lisa Grossman
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
-- National Lampoon
Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
--Anon.
The following two quotes are by Henry Morgan, I'm not sure which one is correct,
but they're both same, just said differently.
A kleptomaniac can't help helping himself.
A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself.
